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· Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.
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· There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
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· In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
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· The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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· Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
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· The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
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· Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
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· Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
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· Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
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· Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
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· Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
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· The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
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· Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
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· Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
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· Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
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· Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
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· Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
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· China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
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· Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
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· If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
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· Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
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· When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
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· Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
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· Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
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· Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
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· Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
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· Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
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· If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
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· Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
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· Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
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· Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
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· Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
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· A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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· Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
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· There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
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· Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
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· Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
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· When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
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· Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
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· Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
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· Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
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· If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
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· When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
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· Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
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· Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
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· God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
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· When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
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· Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
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· A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
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· Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
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· Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
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· If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
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· Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
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· Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
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· If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
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· Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
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· Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
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· Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
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· One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
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· Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
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· Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
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· Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
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· In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
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· Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
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· Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks a$$ until he’s full.
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· Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
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· Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
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· Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
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· Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
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· Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
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· Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
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· When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
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· Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
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· There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
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· Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
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· Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
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· Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
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· Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
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· After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
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· Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
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· Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
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· Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
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· Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
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